Bicycle UPGRADE

Big thanks to the awesome guys at Pedal Hard for taking time to talk with me about what I want to do with my bike. Also for not being assholes like those bigger bike shops

.

Welcome to November

It seems like just yesterday it was August. I believe my many hours alone at my office and again at home have fast-forwarded the weeks. Thankfully I have stabilized my life and have settled into a pattern of being ok alone. No long story, just a lot of resolution in my life and final words to end any future communication one might think of having with me. Well, make that for two people, I guess. Looking back I really should have gone into therapy to deal with my insane issues, but I am at the point where I have a clearer look at myself. I just could not live without comparing myself to others and torturing my mind with my inadequacies. I didn't do that before. I forgot to look at how awesome my life is without some turd of a boyfriend or bitchy roommates. I still don't want to be in super social situations, but at least I'm not as prone to avoidance as before.

At a party on Saturday I dressed up as Mary Kate Olsen with flour on my face and fur jacket with leggings. Hilarious. With my first beer of the night a girl walks up to me and askes what I am. I tell her, and she looks me up and down and says "You might want to do something about getting those bones, ya know, exposed." Me from a few months ago probably would have cried. This me just said, "Well, I work with what I got." and thought how sad it must be for her to think that way and speak to people in that manner. As the night progressed I learned she had 3 kids, chain-smoked, and I'm pretty sure she drinks all the time. Maybe her bitch is her defense? I just avoided talking with her the rest of the evening.

I still am scared of the lingering damages Asshole 1 & 2 may have left upon me, but I look to the new year as a year for ME and not for some mean or lying prick. And no more dates from Craigslist. :)

Nightmare

Wow. I have scary dreams, but last night was the first showing of a dead baby in a ziplock bag. I kept finding it in there, opening it, and somehow making it breathe again only to have it die. Many times. I woke up hella confused, but also not preggo or with a dead baby. I forced myself to walk by the child care center today to see some live versions. Bad imagination, time for a time out.

In other news, I found out who snagged the ACWA job. It's this weird pensive genuis boy-man that has worked in the building for a while. Also a third year law student. Yeah, wouldn't have gone for the job if thats the kind they want. Fucking overachievers.

Happy Monday?

Lets see, it rained all weekend, which kept me off my bikes. I walked around quite a bit, partied with midtown homies Friday and again on Sunday. Giants game on Saturday sent us to the World Series... Today meant work, and I was not too excited to have to work on a sunny day, but I rode my bike in and took an extra loop around the Capitol as Good Morning Sacramento was filming on the west steps and I wanted to ride by. As I approached, some huge group of high schoolers unloaded from a bus and as the teacher made the kids move to the side of the sidewalk, one fella called out " Bye biker. I love you!!" Thanks, Biebs, but this lady has some standards.

At work I left at 11 to tour the Governor's office. A tad short, but I saw the ever-delicious Aaron McClear and that was the highlight. After, went to Pyramid and downed a few brews with the parents of the people I partied with this weekend. It's almost 2 and this Monday doesn't suck like most others!

Mucho Loco

Yesterday at work I was able to speak with the wife of a cartel member for 20 minutes. She had her kids taken from her by CPS for aiding and abetting the cartel that I shall not name but know who they are. I am a little scared to follow up with her on her foster care issue....

Oreally?

I have had enough issues with the blood-thirsty campaigners (who I doubt do anything) call and call and call to have me volunteer. I have no hearing, no car, and the last phone back I went to you did not have enough food to feed me or 4 others. GFY.

As I sat enjoying Russell Brand's first book, my superior spies me enjoying my time and immediately grabs a legal pad and asks me to update her on my research for next year. Uh. What? MORE than half our staff is gone doing awesome things in San Diego that I was not invited to. You just returned from a TWO HOUR lunch after coming into work at 11am. I appologize I don't know what to recommend just yet, but one should really mind their own business when nobody else is working. And like some sick plot, I get all the vacation requests for Italy and shit for all the other workers, assuring I still will be the only person here to staff the office into the long, cold winter.

Oh to have the strength to just off myself...

All Dressed Up...

My lovely neighbor Mike has lent me the keys to his car and apartment for the next week. This weekend I went to the gas station, filled up his ride, and realized there wasn't anywhere I wanted to go. I drove on the freeway to 59th, went to Trader Joes, and drove home. I blame the budget for my lack of creativity, and also my bike for making me know how lame it is to drive.

I do get to move the car tonight as tomorrow is the street sweepin' day!

Side note: I realize we don't get Columbus Day off. Europeans get four month Holiday each year. All women should get a day a month off for their period. I want that day to be today as I am in hella pain and since getting off the ol' birthing control my immune system takes a hit each month. I can't hear out of my left ear today. Weird.

Karma

Over the summer, my mom has been buying me the fanciest international coffee beans as she has been travelling around. I believe I have 4 bags from her. She had asked me if I had a coffee grinder, and I said "Of course." Wrong. So what do I do? I go to the grocery store and buy ground coffee as I have a french press that requires such. I get home and pack the coffee for work. I prepare the press, pull out the Hawaiian blend, and OH SNAP its whole bean. Effing head in the clouds!

Fast forward a few weeks. I am sitting in my friend Sara'h apartment a few blocks from me., Her and her man are hanging out, getting ready to go get more beer for our Fuck Monday nights. I ask her if she had a grinder I could borrow, and I tell her my tales. She didn't. We get up and walk the two blocks to the market, and Sarah is walking ahead of me. She screams out " Holy shit!!!!" I walk over, expecting a dead cat or something, and there is a box along the road marked free. Inside? A perfectly new Krups coffee grinder. Yeah. Holy shit. It was the only thing in the box.

Day 3

Since Monday evening I have been drink and smoke free! Well, I can't say too much for the drinking but smoking is definitely on its way out. I've been keeping busy at home to not get bored and want to smoke on the patio. I cleaned up, went on a walk, did some crosswords, laid down to rest, and watched some news. No smoking! I have yet to go on an ride, but that will happen this weekend. I had originally planned to drive home tonight to attend a friend's funeral tomorrow, but its looking like the budget vote will continue into tomorrow. Its fine, I can mourn on my own. Plus, there will be hella people from high school there as Morgan was GORGEOUS and was generally a real, nice person. I wish I could be more upset as this motherfucking budget has now cost me a friend's wedding and a friend's funeral. And no budget!

No Mas Fumar

Holy hell I forgot the way my body revolts when I quit smoking. It's day 3 and last night I almost murdered my windows. I opened and shut them repeatedly as neighbors on all sides made noises throughout the night. My mind was in a spin and I started to think about just taking a puff, but instead I lit a huge candle and stared at it. Amazing results followed as I drifted to sleep staring at the light. I thought about getting those electronic ciggs, but they are like hundreds of dollars! Maybe I should make my own walk-a-thon that helps me quit by raising money to afford the tools I need to do so.

I've taken a four month break before, so I know it can be done. Ugh. I hate you, wacky tobacky.

Decriminalization

As I perused the Governor's approved measures today, I read in depth to SB 1449. If you are caught in posession of less than an ounce of pot, it is now simply an infraction ($100 fine) instead of a misdemeanor. I know at least two people that have been punished for small amounts, and this is a great judicial movement so we can stop wasting money in our courts. As Arnie says, "Its just a leaf."

Twi-tards

I would totally get into the Twilight fils if Buffy the Vampire Slayer showed up and took care of some much-needed business.

Idiots

Way too many in my life right now. Being alone in the office was terrible enough last week, but this week greeted me with my only other co-worker coming down with the MF whooping cough. She is out for at least a week. Our auxillary office has Mike, who leaves for San Diego tonight until November. Are you kidding?!!? I am losing my mind with this job.

Speaking of work stress, I think I am becoming an alcoholic. I max out at like 2 or 3 drinks, but I have consumed fairly regularly. Is it ok if I question myself? I get home and after wading in the dark cloud all day I just want a warm fuzzy tummy hug. It gives me love and makes time roll faster. Since I turned maybe 26 I have developed a very real fear of becoming drunk, so I never drink fast for fear that I will act like an idiot and somehow someone from work will see me. I've seen drunks at work and it totally stole my respect for them. But again, I am on the town. Not at work.

Tiredoflife.com.

Oh Dang, Life.

There are certain reasons why I only visit SF maybe twice a year. This last weekend I had excellent control of myself, but the events that transpired rocked my world.
Mike, my neighbor/roommate from across the patio, had his 24th birthday in SF. I arrived via foot, as I walked from my apartment to light rail, to amtrak, and then to BART. I walked from the Powell Station and there I was. I would have liked to have brought my bike but on Sunday we had planned on visiting the Folsom Street Fair. FYI- I had no clue what the testicle festival was to be about. I asked, and the group responded in unison "Bondage". I like to party, so who cares. Wow. What a penis parade. My personal highlight was getting to handle a porn star's gigantic penis. It high-fived me. I also showed my tits to a woman with a corset and fishnet stockings. That was it. Where the hell was GaGa? This was like her Tuesday night. Lots of drinking, dancing, laughing, spanking, and slapping (asses, not faces). Mike and I finished the festival with some Jack in the Box and then he drove out of SF and I took over on the freeways. It was my first time drivig on the freeway for like 9 months, and I was on no sleep, a little hungover, and without glasses. I made Mike blast the radio and we sang all the songs on the way home.

But dang, life. Just when I had yet another amazing and lovely weekend (Emphasis on the love, Ben from Santa Cruz made me leave my heart in San Francisco....)I come home to check email and the likes. My good friend Clay's little sister, who I played water polo and swimming with in high school, had passed away over the weekend. I don't want to fucking be at work right now. Morgan Strong, loved by so many and I alsways thought she was so gorgeous that she was the model for how Cameron Diaz should have turned out.

Love you girl, no more suffering...

My Favorite Times

10:41am
12:23pm
2:45pm
4:40pm
7:12am
10:11pm


I need something to do at work.

Guess Who is Bored??

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Sweet Melissa by the Allman Brothers.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
My life choices have been smarter, so during a movie a few weeks ago.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Bacon

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Nope. I can’t even handle a cat.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes! I’ve been looking for me.

DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
Not as much as before.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Lucky Charms

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I do best without laces.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes. I try to only like guys I can’t beat up.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky road. I like options.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Whether they look me in the eyes or not.

RED OR PINK?
I’m wearing pink (sad) but I love red.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I get impatient with lines. I’m not as forward as I used to be.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Everyone I left in Modesto, and all my homeboys I lost to the streets.

WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Rainbows to work

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Eggs. I love ‘em!

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The news

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Burnt sienna. Badass.

FAVORITE SMELLS?
honeysuckle, roses, jasmine, bacon, taco bell.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A coworker

MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Baseball (Giants).

HAIR COLOR?
Dark light.

EYE COLOR?
Brown

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Glasses

FAVORITE FOOD?
fruit, avocado, tomatilla, salmon, ahi.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Who doesn’t love happy endings?

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Hot Tub Time Machine

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
blue floral button up with pink see through shirt underneath

SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer adventures

HUGS OR KISSES?
I never get enough hugs

FAVORITE DESSERT?
coconut

STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
cardio. MAKE ‘EM SWEAT!

COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Life

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Waiting for another library trip

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My hand

FAVORITE SOUND?
wooden chimes

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Stones

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
New Zealand

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can walk on my toes and can snap really sharp mental pictures

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In Livermore with my brother.

WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
In a ding bat by myself surrounded by strangers.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
White with blue trim. Lahaina!


WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Invisible ‘cause I don’t have one.

WHICH CELEBRITY DO YOU GET MISTAKEN FOR?
Possessed people. Seriously. Jessica Simpson once.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Content and not alone.

WHEN YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES FREE, WHAT DO YOU DO?
Clean, smoke, call my mom, or take a shower.

WHAT WOULD YOU NAME THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF YOUR LIFE?
Died Twice & Lived A Thousand Lives

WHAT SONGS ARE INCLUDED IN THE SOUNDTRACK TO YOU LIFE?
Refugee (TP&H), Hey Oh (RHCP), Strange (Doors), Gin and Juice (Snoop), that theme song from Donny Darko.

WHAT CURSE WORD DO YOU USE THE MOST?
Fuuuuuck

DO YOU OWN AN IPOD?
Yes, but not the songs

WHAT TIME IS YOUR ALARM CLOCK SET?
7AM

WHAT COLOR IS YOU ROOM?
Smothered in art and Pink Floyd Posters. White unders.

FLIP FLOPS OR SNEAKERS? I
Toss on/slip on shoes. Fuck laces.

WOULD YOU RATHER BE IN OR TAKE A PICTURE?
ake the picture.

DO ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE CHILDREN?
Most of them in Modesto do.

HAS ANYONE CALLED YOU LAZY?
HAHA. I am the anti-lazy, but have been only by assholes.

DO YOU EVER TAKE MEDICATION TO SLEEP FASTER?
Sometimes I have to, but my body just loves sleep anyway.

WHAT CD IS CURRENTLY IN YOUR PLAYER?
Just heard the new Big Boi album. Sick beats.

DO YOU PREFER REGULAR OR CHOCOLATE MILK?
Chocolate soy or almond milk.

HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU A SECRET THIS WEEK?
I have a network of secret sharers in the grid. Crazy, I know.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO CALL YOU?
I forgot my phone again. Fuck phones.

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK?
I work hard to be nice, but it probably happens. I can be bitch.

DID YOU WATCH CARTOONS AS A CHILD?
Did? More like does.

HOW MANY SIBLINGS DO YOU HAVE?
One twin.

ARE YOU SHY AROUND THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Strangers totally scare me - especially in Sactown. Hella bros.

WHAT MOVIE DO YOU KNOW EVERY LINE TO?
Goonies, Stand By Me, Wedding Singer

DO YOU OWN ANY BAND T-SHIRTS?
Red Hot Chili Peppers, MxPx, and the rest were worn to death.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO TEXT YOU?
Ted, to cite me in another herbal story. Rad.

DO YOU OWN A COMPUTER?
One that I haven’t opened in 2 years.

ARE YOU CURRENTLY WANTING A PIERCING OR TATTOO?
I got the next tat, just not the cash or drive.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SLEPT ON A FLOOR?
Last week. I have spent months sleeping on dirt, so who cares?

HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO YOU NEED?
Eight

ARE YOU IN LOVE OR LUST?
Just got my usual lineup of pretend boyfriends.

HOW OLD WILL YOU BE TURNING ON YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY?
29

ARE YOU PICKY ABOUT SPELLING AND GRAMMAR?
Yes, and it now determines datability.

DO YOU SLEEP ON YOUR SIDE, TUMMY, OR BACK?
Back or front. Sides hurt my bony hips.

HAVE YOU EVER BID FOR SOMETHING ON EBAY?
Yes, and I get my Santa Cruz sweatshirt soon 

DO YOU ENJOY GIVING HUGS?
Yes.

WHAT SONG DID YOU LAST SING OUT LOUD?
I’m a Little Tea Pot.

To Be Expected

For the past years of my life located here in Sacramento, I have dedicated quite a bit of time to elections. Never have I been paid for my services and I have been to Bakersfield, Fresno, Rancho Cordova, Modesto, Hanford, and at phone banks in Sacramento. I learned about my current boss while phone banking.
This year I had planned on taking an election year off. I am tired, the last two years have been terribly stressful, and being totally fucking poor didn't help. This morning an upper level staffer called me and asked me if I had volunteered yet. I said no becasue it was true. I then listened as they explained that the election volunteers had been saying they were going to hang up pictures of capitol staffers who had not yet volunteered. Really? These fucking newbies come in and think they are the shit!??! My superior then said, "You better get on it before its too late."
What, are they going to fire me for not giving up my free time? Well I wasn't invited to San Diego, dicks. You brought UNEXPERIENCED staffers and are paying them extra and leaving me in the capitol to continue to handle everyone's business.

When another staffer returns I need a vacation. Maybe I will lie and say I'm on GOTV duty. Can't a girl get a break???? I've been so nice to random people....

Summer of Adventures

Last night I was able to go on yet another amazing night ride. My cousin showed up and we rode to my favorite park, 8th and O. We smoked atop the walls as we balanced over a 20 ft. drop. Not only do I get to catch up with family, but I also brought my 4th person to share the experience of the park with. As I caught up with Nick, I mentioned that no other summer has been so adventurous in such a long time. The reason, I expect, is that I do not operate any vehicle. It's been nine months of not driving. Me and the bikes have been alll over the city. Even when I broke my back in June I got on my cruiser and rode to Carmichael to do laundry. The things I see along my random ass routes bring such pride to me for chosing this city as a place to lay my head. None of the other cities I lived in catered to being independently hyper like the miles of river and paths. Cars are nicer, but I think its because this city does have plenty of freeways to clear up side streets. I never drive drunk, so when I go out its always a good time. People visit me, crash at my place, take me out cause I'm already downtown...

I admit that turning 28 this year totally freaked me out, especially spending that shit relatively alone and having the parentals and the twin not really care. I felt old as all my homegirls (ALL) back home got married or had babies yet I was still living like a kid partying all over and not even being able to handle a cat for a full year. I'm only going to do this once (sorry Scientology) so I plan on just riding and enjoying the rest of the fucking amazing weather. My friends have soccer games and Bed Bath & Beyond, while next weekend I am riding to SF where I am crashing on someones floor after danceYOURface off night and riding through the bay all day Sunday.

After the disaster last year, I feel much stronger moving into this fall season. My head is clearer, I found better people in the grid, and DAMN I got faster on my bike.

Rivers drives me wild.

Math

Little did I know while studying mathematics growing up how much my whole being would learn to HATE the negative sign.


Fuck you, minus zero.

I miss the wind

Taking one weekend off of riding caused two things to happen: My warrior wounds had time to heal, and I missed the hell out of being on my bike. The wounds, one from being hit by a freight train and the other a swollen ankle from wearing flip flops in the first rain, were the reason I felt I needed to slow down and rest. Now, all I can think about is flying across the road and the feeling of being released from the confines of a metal machine.

The Mysteries of Vajayjay

My good friend just sent me this list of 20 things men don't know about women. She asked me to review and get back to her. I decided to add my comments after the 'truth'. Enjoy and discuss.

1. As soon as we are alone in the house—husband leaves for the office, kids go to school, roommate goes out of town—and we have quality free time knowing no one is going to walk in on us, we masturbate. Sometimes we even just do it if you’re still in the house if that quality free time is never going to come. Usually, it’s while we’re in the bathroom. I still would prefer to just have sex, but the partner is the issue.

2. A good majority of us prefer to pee outside. And in the shower. And sometimes we really just want to do it in the hot tub, but we try to not do that one out of respect for everyone else in there. Most definately. I have mastered the art of public urination in a dress. You sit like a lady on the grass with none the wiser.

3. We pluck stray hairs from our toes, our chin, our lips, moles on the backs of our legs and our nipples. And we really, really enjoy plucking a stubborn ingrown hair. Getting that sucker out is, for some gross reason, such sweet satisfaction.
FYI ladies: not appropriate to ask this question to friends at a pool party. "C'mon, don't you have hairy nipples?" No, creeper.

4. When we’re in love, we smell your clothes or the pillow you were sleeping on when you’re not around. If you were to catch us doing this, we’d be mortified. Been caught and still have articles of clothes hidden deep in one of the closets.

5. We’ve all wished that we could be more open and casual about sex from time to time … maybe go to a swingers party, have a threesome or be a dirty stripper for a night, but with no emotional consequences. Fuck that. I hate strippers. I've had threesomes and they ain't that special.

6. Deep down we really hope that your guy friends secretly want to sleep with us, and very often we will dress for them and subtly flirt just so they will. We don’t want to bone them; we just want them to want us. Kinda creepy to me. If I wanted to look fuckable for your friends, I'm probably going to cheat.

7. We are not insulted in the slightest by those catcalls from construction workers, as long as they aren’t rude or nasty. It’s kind of flattering. We also like it when you get a little jealous, to a degree. Not in an irrational or psycho way, just a bit to show you’re protective and you care. Sometimes I too miss harassment.

8. We regularly check in on what our exes are up to via Facebook, emails or texts. As long as we have the technology, they will never be fully out of our lives or minds. This doesn’t mean we still love them; we’re just curious. Sounds like guy bullshit. My exes are boring and I am much more obsessed with secret boyfriends than guys I already am over.

9. When we have girls’ nights, we do bad things that you wouldn’t approve of like spill all of your embarrassing secrets, sneak cigarettes or other substances, and drink way more than we let on. Grinding with strangers at a club can also sometimes occur. Sounds like a Thursday. I live hard, what can I say?

10. When you’re not around, we fart. The longer, the louder and the stinkier, the more enjoyable. Word. I am afraid my neighbors can actually hear me.

11. If you’re really hot or the sex is good, you can be a total idiot and we’ll still date you for a while. But we’ll never marry you. Brains and kindness will always trump sexiness when it comes to marriage material. See last ex.

12. A lot of times we really like to have sex on the first date to determine whether the chemistry is there and we should have another date. Or sometimes we’re just plain horny and want to get laid. We hate being judged for it. I just had a date. I think you are supposta wait if you actually want him to call later. Fuck? NO.

13. We hate waxing our privates. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But, we like that when it’s cleaned up you go down on us more readily. In a perfect world, you would go down on us with regularity on naturally poofy pubes. I ain't twelve and I'm not swimming anymore, so fuck that idea. Me woman.

14. When a guy says he doesn’t want kids, it’s really a dealbreaker for almost every woman who is still of child-bearing years. I wonder if they kick puppies even though I always joke about babies being wishful footballs.

15. The majority of us don’t really care about how much money you have or make as long as you are kind and emotionally generous and work hard. Laziness and lack of motivation is inherently unsexy. But if you can't pay for a movie or a meal, get a fucking clue and grow up. If I can get a job, you can too.

16. A lot of us are fakers … when it comes to our love of sports and being outdoorsy. Wow. Fakers are the ones that end up married; I'm the one that becomes their hiking buddy.

17. We love flaws on guys. A little belly, gray hairs, even a receding hairline. It reminds us that we all have body issues and that we shouldn’t be so insecure or hard on ourselves. Being human is cool. But being whiny about your paunch or constantly fussing over your gray temples is as annoying as us always asking, “Does this make me look fat?” I hope they have the ability to work on these superficial flaws they have issues with.

18. During sex, we’re usually thinking about something other than you. A gross and pervy situation, another man, being dominated … who knows, but we always, always fantasize. It doesn’t mean we’re not sexually attracted to you, we just need the weird mental images to get us off. Ok, what women were interviewed? Fucking PAY ATTENTION or get a hotter dude.

19. We don’t consider drunk kissing cheating, as long as we’re the ones doing the drunk kissing. We consider sex with another man cheating. Who is this slut? Drunk calls are questionable cunts! Kissing ahomegirl ok-another man and you are a bad person

20. We cherish our independence and “me” time more than you’ll ever know. We say we miss you, but are often secretly glad you’re going so we can just totally relax and be ourselves. But we still love it when you come back. Don't be up in my shit but be around so I can talk to someone!

Ah, and now I remember...

Why I hate dating so much. Hooray, I found a somewhat normal guy. I've been dating idiots for so long that I forgot the normal pattern of dating is vastly different than my usual We-date-but-we-can't-get-enough-be-together-every-fucking-day non-relationship status.

I dated on Friday. Before, we had texted all week and he was so interesting. Our date was fun: we drank, ate, walked through the park, smoked, laughed. He could keep up. On Saturday I did not call. Good girl, I guess? He texted me to ask if I had his lighter, but nothing in depth. Sunday I texted in the afternoon to thank him for a great time. He texted back the same. Then.....nothing.

I understand girls do scare guys with the psychotic theory that girls are rabid beasts looking to tie down a man and dick-rape some babies from him. However, I don't need any babies or any white wedding bullshit. Dude, I want you to text me like we did before. Why these nonsensical games when you were cool and essentially we should just hang out??

I said ok to the date in the beginning because this guy had his head on right and is so against the societal norms he lived in a shack in Montana for three years after selling his house and leaving it 'all' behind. Amazing! My man!

I shoulda known when he mentioned GTL. Fuck. I can just hear The Situation, " Yo, give the piece a call when the milk you got now goes bad. If she ain't still waiting, on to the next groupie."

Choo Choo

Josh and Crystal's wedding was such a blast. Getting to Davis and seeing some SN&R staffers that I hadn't seen since I hosted a party last year after the Summer concert. I laughed so much and really appreciated being a guest at such an awesome wedding. My first time in Davis revealed that the citizens of what I thought was a college town have serious issues with colorful language. Outside. At a bar. Thanks mom, but my mom calls me a bitch so my words are not of your concern. My parents taught me to enjoy variety and to be creative. So in the most expressive sense, fuck off.

This may be the first wedding I didn't dance at, but by not knowing a majority of the guests, my humor in the art of movement may not have been received as well as it usually is. The Hipster and The Elaine were far too much. I took tons of pictures before I was hit by a freight train twice and broke my camera. True story.

Almost Wa Wa Wa Weekend Time!

Wet Dream

Seriously, I am talking to this guy about getting this bike. If anyone gots a car- take me to EDH to pick this Apache goddess up!!

When work hits home

I have been receiving hundreds of calls on SB 399, a measure that would allow juveniles convicted to life in prison to have their sentences reviewed if the inmate shows promising results from rehabilitation. I just received a call that I knew was a 209-local number. When I asked the city and name, it was the sister of a kid that was recently murdered just down the street from the house I grew up in at a gas station that was a Saturday night pit stop. Totally freaky, but she thanked my boss for protecting the victims' families. Right on.

Best Pick-Up Line I've Heard

Granted, I am about 94% sure it was Chad from Intervention, but this was heard after a serious session with Ted and Bob, a grocery trip, and a funky cookie later:

"And now showing,'Girls Too Pretty for Midtown'"

I smiled for minutes.

In Yo Face

The last time I had communicated with the infamous intern in my office, I was three drinks deep and basically breaking up with him in the smoke lounge of Zebra via phone. Now he is here today. Just showed up even though I already have an intern today. Well fuckity fuck, dude. I meant what I said on the phone.

To explain, this fella came over one night a few months ago with a bottle of whiskey and a broken heart. His girlfriend of a long time was done with him. He said they were really breaking up this time, that he would not go back and he was moving on. We drank and laughed and hung out all night, and then proceeded to stay up most of the night. For the first time, he slept over with me and waking up to another guy is pretty big to me, especially when we were secretly having an affair for more than a year. He even bought me breakfast the next morning....

I didnt hear from him for a few days, but I didn't give a shit. He probably felt bad or something. Well about a week later I am stumbling through Safeway with my neighbor Mike and lo and behold- there he is. As I walk forward smiling, the image of a much-blonder her came into focus and slapped my senses clean. WTF? I fakes the hellos until they left, and got the fuck out of the store.

Fast forward to Zebra. The prick is drunk (alcoholic) and calling to see what I am up to. A booty call. Well, Sir Fuck You, remember when I saw you with your girl when you said you two were done??? Go fuck yourself and never call me again.

Can't believe he is here today. Fake it till he leaves, then curse his bastard soul.

For those who do not two-wheel...you miss a lot.

Where I'd rather be....

Riding with Pee Wee!!!

Myokymia

Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays cannot bring me joy as they used to. My fucktarded intern always ruins my day, and today he left people in tears with his general inability to answer a fucking phone normally. He also made my eye twitch, which it will not stop doing.

Wacktress Video Game

Thoughts

Walking to work today I saw the cutest little old lady getting out of her car. She had a denim jumper with a yellow sweater and purse...tre Karnette. As she passed me, I realized she had a state badge hanging from her neck. It really hit me that this lady belongs in an RV or out gardening-not getting to work before 9am. I've always wanted a really good paying job so that when it comes her time, my momma won't have to work. I want her to chill out after working her whole life and raising two twin hellions.

Other thought, I am taking a mini break from riding my bike. As in not riding every single day. I love my bicycles so very much, but I ride them so much I have to repair them all the time. Walking the grid has so many opportunites. I make eye contact with way more people, I get to talk to strangers (my favorite). Just a few days ago as I was walking back from Safeway that guy from Intervention who was a pro cyclist asked me for change on a $4000 bike. I laughed and said no. The lady behind me mumbled something, so I turned around and explained who that guy was. I ended up walking with her for a block, just strolling and bitching. I can't even stiffle the smiles.

Work is ok. I would kill a kitten to make more money. I rearraged my desk yesterday and like the newer attempt at privacy. This month my homegirl is getting married. Every single weekend she has an event. Seriously? Shower, Bachelorette, and then wedding. Just to get to all three events would cost me at least $160. With lodging in Tahoe and such, its upwards of $400.00. Yikes! She didn't even put me in the wedding party! I secretly hope the budget will cause me to stay here in Sac. Who would want to leave this weather?

Turn Turn Turn

Every year I make it to my birthday is a day that should be spent thanking the stars for all the death-defeating stunts I pull. Last night I almost t-boned a van on my bike and then nearly missed riding in front of a car. Both involved skid-stops. This is one day.
I really do not like my birthday. Everybody else has a birthday in July and I just don't feel special. This year, I feel extra-unspecial. Why and how? Well, I haven't heard anything from either my father or my brother in months-birthday included. This is especially strange as I am a TWIN. Yep, my bro knows its my birthday too, but he won't call me or contact me in any way as he is too busy with his "weeklong birthday celebration for ME" (Side note: Self was not invited)

Well look at this sad bird. Friends? Ah yes, I do have them. Unfortunately in this busy time in their lives, they could give a flying fuck about my birthday. One called me to personally cancel. Another just did not show up for her "Super birthday celebration weekend" she had promised me. The closer the hours get to my birth, the greater the amount of suck involved. I'm not riding my bike in case I am meant to perish on this 28th year of my life. I died already and the first time was a real downer.

So here I stride (not ride) into my unspecial fucktarded day. I would get a tattoo of a black broken heart to commemorate this time, but I am too broke. The money I do have is buying me some hard booze tonight. I had planned on barhopping a bit with friends, but I will now sit on my floor with a shot glass and numb the remnants of 27 years of tragedy out of my system.

Does this qualify for FML?

Home is where Home is.

Loves the bike cause it takes me home! My weekend in Modesto certainly realligned me and my priorities. Being with my mom and homegirls makes me so very happy. They know the nitty gritty and I know the city like nothing else. My home is the place where I come home wasted from the local bar and my mom takes me to Jack in the Box soooo wasted I could not read the menu board. My mom was also impressed with my photographic memory that she tested all weekend.


My time with Sylvia was wonderful. We shared secrets while drinking 40's in the local park. I also learned that when wearing a skirt, you can pee most gracefully upon the grass. She redid my hair and made it look so nice. She kept staring and calling me beautiful. Love the friends.

My wait for the train was fun as I played on my bike and balanced and rode in loops. I put on some jams and just took in the cow shit smells and plethora of bugs that bring me right back to when I was 18 and a wild bird freed from her cage. I can't wait (but I will) to go back again.

Wow, Sacramento

Your dudes suck. Did you bottle-feed them so they all would be addicted to whiskey like crack? What did you put in the water that makes them lazy and liars? Did you secretly arrange a list of eligible ladies that are doled out upon any hot & eligible bachelor's arrival so that any possible hottie has that iron band around him like a fucking chastity belt(FYI-'CAUSE I RESPECT IT!)?

Oh, you ho. I hate dating. Date one went quite well before shit crashed and burned as the little personal gems seeped out during date two.

Attention Datable Men: Stories about how bars stopped "loving you" or how biker chicks are on your nuts and buying you drinks or that you spend about 4 hours a day at some shitty bar even I haven't visited aren't exactly the lines a lady needs to be wooed. Plus, you shouldn't be there if you lost your house, tool.

I should commend you for keeping it real, though. No need for months of frustrating calls and yearning for the sweet, sweet nectar of singlehood.

Hey Friend....

Cheer up, Keanu. It's almost Friday. And youz gots hella cats.

Drunk Peguin

That is what I have looked like walking around. Or maybe a Fremont Park bum circa 2008-now they wander a 7 block radius and take Keystone showers in the alley. Anyway- this young whippersnapper broke her back, and it hurts like a MOFO. I took 3 days off to stay immoblie and not move, but this week called me back to work and now that I have the official doctor's word that it won't heal for weeks- I am fucking frustrated!! Dammit shoulda picked up a boyfriend to fetch me things and help me get up and sit down.

I can't even blog. I hurts much. I miss my bike very much.

Argh.

Asm. Cook called me up to yell at me today, which caused me to crack and start crying. I don't cry much at all anymore, so when the gates opened-I was fucked.
Thanks Red Eyes. Now nobody will take me seriously. The office was sympathetic and the cheif of staff clamed me down, and then told me to grow a pair in a very nice way.


Oh, and fuck off, Cook.

Hire me and I might save the world.

Hey BP and Feds:

I noticed you responding to the oil disaster by placing dirty oil-soaked sand into plastic bags. On the cover of USA Today, the picture panned the length of a beach and all I could see were the ENVIRONMENTALLY DISASTEROUS plastic bags holding all of the icky sand. Listen, dumbfucks, so you can't stop the oil. OK. But STOP pouring chemicals into the gulf to break up the oil that is proven to sicken anyone in a 50-mile radius. STOP putting the oil in plastic bags.

Obama-quit being lax and step up and force BP to change the chemical dispersants like right the fuck now. Put the fucking sand in wheelbarrows and then into a larger container which can fill the sandboxes of BP exec's children so they can understand the scope of what they did. Get to the site and plug the effing hole. How about shooting some steel into that hole? That shit is strong, even under 5,000 feet. Hello, submarines? Why aren't they there? Where the fuck is the Navy? Those dolphins could be rescued and trained to dismantle underwater bombs. The Navy does this now.

Also, why was the off-shore drilling regulator's office in Colorado? Is that to protect them from the inevitable?? Hope that doesn't mean emminent threat to our beautiful California. I kILL you if you touch our beaches, beotches.

A Life, A Chapter.

The title looks like two people's names.

Its rounding up to almost a year since my deadly encounter with love, or what I think it is. More like thought. In times like these I find it essential to look back and compare one life to another. This year I am single. So much fun on the weekends, a tad (majorly) lonely in the evenings when I wish I could talk to a hot naked man in my bed. I still have a job, I now have a cat, and I also gained another bike :)
My sanity seems to be cresting right near the middle. I seriously lost it this time last year. People who turned away from me because of his outrageous abuse towards me came back forward and reaffirmed their love for me. Sylvia damn near moved to Sac. Nobody hits her baby!
What has changed the most is inside. I was able to rip myself open (he did, actually) and expose my flaws and weaknesses and see them from a multitude of perspectives after months of recovery. The disturbing experiences I endured will never leave my thoughts. There are things he made me go through that I can never tell a soul. Sometimes when Im drunk I want to tell Syl, but the pain associated with it is so severe and numbing that I don't want others to have to know what the fuck I went through. When you've already talked about the choking, the punching, the nights with a knife in my face, sometimes the most horrific things are best left to be buried.

I am better, and I no longer have room in my life for monsters. Sometimes at night, when Im sitting on my patio enjoying the trees swaying in the breeze, I hope he dies a terrible death. This bitch won't forget.

Seriously?

How much is this person/team paid to create these mascots for London's Olympics? They look like crazy rainbow penises. Really, a one-eyed monster??

Bring back things like Koalas or some species on the endangered list! Quit making the world look stupid.

May Half Over

I definately needed to recover after a great weekend that revolved around bikes! Saturday was a standard ride to my dad's except I found the most amazing park called Santa Anita park between Bell and Fulton. Bonus-when you pop out onto Fulton, its next to the abandoned (joy!) Hummer dealership, so I had an awesome time just riding and swerving on all that empty pavement. I smoked too much at my dad's so I laid in the sun for far too long and now I am kinda sure my shoulders will be blistering. The rest faded to a pretty tan. Me likey.

Sunday I spent at the race at Capitol. Mike and I had a great break in the park from stuffing our faces with free carne asada tacos and wine. We caught the end of the race and meandered around the streets but ended up heading to homegirl Sarah's for some late night chili and beer session with her new man Jake and his roommate.

I shoulda been to two places last night but I came home after a tough day and crashed. I slept from 7pm until midnight, and then again from 1am to this morning. If I had to call myself an addict, it would be towards sleep.

Next weekend...BOWS AND ARROWS GARAGE SALE!! HELLS YES and I've been telling every girlfriend with my fashion to show up at my apartment at 8am for some sick ass clothes from 1-3 bucks. Half my wardrobe is from this store!

Strange Days of May

I have noticed in the past few days the strangest of occurances. It could be this crazy wind (hello, witch mountain) or the restlessness of too many rainy days for the finicky Californians. Yesterday was a smashup of strange events. Leaving work soon after 5pm, as I left the office and walked into the hall, the loudest Christian rock music blared from what must be the loudest amps to ever bestow Capitol grounds. The open-air staircase did not help to escape the wasted energy. I fumbled in my bag and slammed those iPods into my ears to drown out the hypocritical nonsense with some fucking Lady Gaga. I pulled my bike out of the compound and hoped for the best on my ride because my pedals had been sticking for a few days but I had lubed the chainring and cranks before I went to work.
You know those times when you have some sweet jams going and you got the wheels turning and you are just hitting your stride on the bike? I was right there when I felt my devil's tail whip up and slap me across my ass and back. WTF?? Thinking my secret identity was pulled out of my body in the presence of such a heavy religious right protest, I tried to pull over olong Capitol park but alas my tires were unable to move! My chain had snapped off and was now jammed between my rims and my brakes.

A short jaunt to Mike's Bikes and one "Are you fucking stupid??" look from a bike mechanic when he asked me what gear the bike was in and I responded "Single". I was serious, dick. Actually I said, "I know you are looking at me like i'm a fucking dumbass but I didn't initially put the chain on and the bike went pretty fast but not professionally fast. Sorry."

I met up with my friends and we had a few beers and then went back to my place. One of the girls kept drinking with me and crashed at my spot. Shitty thing because she crashed out on my bed and because I moved my couch into a smaller room I can no longer pull the bed out the whole way. I was forced to balance the half-opened sofa couch and balance my ass without a pillow or a blanket. I was cold and paranoid the whole night.

I am excited to go home to Modesto tonight so I may sleep in peace and get outta Weirdsville.

What a Drag

My co-worker was so mean with the way she spoke to me today, it made me lose all interest in ever working again. Yeah bitch, I called you out on not getting to work until 10am every day, but guess what-you're guilty. I'm tired as fuck of being the only one here, and when my boss asks me if I'm going to committee and Im swamped because nobody was in the office and I had 5 tasks to complete, I'm going to tell him I had to wait for people to get there.

To make it worse, she has the mindset and the nerve to tell me that I didn't have her back.

I would if you had mine, sour puss.

Ted, maybe we will work at WalMart together, but you'd still be paid more than me.

GrrrCat

Last night as I vacantly watched TV, I was again cat slapped by Reggie. I immediately kicked himm outside but then remembered that it was going to rain. No worries- as I was lumbering towards my bed I heard some loud ass cat fighting going on, so I threw on my sweats to go track down my pussy. As I looked for my keys I heard another cat screech and it was definately Reggie. As i swung the door open, his fat ass was coming up the steps. He was absolutely fine, but based on his strange grooming skills, he probably maimed the malnourished and semi-abandoned cat that lives behind me. Good thing, my little prince doesn't have time for those mangy felines. I am proud.

Are you listening?

For some reason or another, life seems better this week. I had a great time this weekend working out this social brain. I also got in two hours of bike riding through the sunlit streets and danced on the town two nights in a row.
Friday I was able to meet up with my grid girls Kristin, Meg, Kristine, and some new guests. We tried out House Kitchen and Bar, and I'd say they are pretty decent except they totally blocked Lady GaGa's Telephone from playing twice. We pretty much left after that. After a rest stop at Cap Garage, we ventured to MIX to find G and hopefully room for dance. Meg, Kristine and I had so much fun dancing and gossiping. Ah, the good old days of bullshitting for a few hours with friends. Makes me miss high school all the more. I pulled a Cindarella and was outskies by midnight.

Saturday was a blur of chores, sun, and walking. In the evening I hung out with last guy to leave me hanging with his girlfriend (ugh) and their decently cute friend who left within 5 minutes becasue he is apparently super strange and an escapist much like myself. Finished off the night by heading to Old Ironsides to see my friend Sarah and the band she promotes called Prieta. They rocked and she forced me to meet all of them before I left. Awesome.

Sunday I rode the bike to Mandi's and cooked her Mac and Cheese and Beercan Chicken. It was JR's birthday so we also snacked on bacon-wrapped hot dogs and chips. We watched the Hills marathon before Mandi and I hung out in the Chick Cave with Crown Royal. She is one classy lady.

I have good news on spawn of satan feline: Reggie is now an outdoor-at-night cat. I think he really likes to be in the dark and it makes the ninja in me so proud and quite happy that I can again pull off a full night of sleep without his furry ass up in my shit and making noise. Now we just have to split our shifts at the apartment so we may live together peacefully.

Holiday!

HOLIDAY.....CELEBRAAATE....HOLIDAYAAAY....CELEBRAAAATE!!

And yes, I celebrated to my limits.

The National Bob Day was recently upon us, and I took advantage of any opportunity to sacrifice human flesh (lungs).

Neighbor Mike and I woke up at 4:10am to meet on our patios and light up separately, and then I lumbered my sleepy ass down P Street so we could share a light, had a sundae I brought over, and then went back to sleep. FYI if you smoke that early you wake up c r a z y. Haha. Not really, but I had very sexual dreams.

Work prevented any further shenanigans until the afternoon. After work I scooted back home to light up. I was dancing around and kicking my cat when Mike hollered over " Hows about some La Granacha for this special day??" YES!!

After preparing herbally for the journey ahead, we enjoyed the peeking sunshine and I wore a dress over pants over rain boots. I dress outlandish anyway, but I felt like a meadow-hippie in my garbs. Mike wore his UC Santa Cruz sweatshirt. It may have just been the day, but the breakfast burrito I ate must have been the best one I ever had there. Perfect pico de gallo, perfect potatoes, perfect eggs, perfect dryish bacon. I loooooved it, and being the Holiday, i partnered this with a giant Coca Cola. We both almost ate the whole monstrocity, but we hesitated as we both needed some digestive aides to handle the food.

Back at Mike's, we were joined by a couple of people we had shared herbage with before. Super nice and random people and we all had a good giggle. After they departed, Mike and I waited for James Franco/Sean to show up, but I lost the drive and cut out to go to sleep before midnight. It was a good day and it really was fun to hang out with Mike all day since he is my local smoking buddy.

I hope everyone who does so had the chance to pay tribute to the best medicine to ever come from Earth. I think.

Chivalry died, but I still think you are an asshole.

Dear Mr. Lobbyist,

When you walk into an office that you have worked with for the past year and then some, it is ill advised to walk into a legislative office and holler at the first female you see. Just looking at me with your jerky eyes and repeating "Monica?" "Monica?". Hey fucktard- right next to my head is my name plate. Just because a girl is sitting at a desk does NOT make her a fucking secretary, pendejo. Also, you have worked with me on legislation before, but I now know you are a dirty little prick and you probably thought I din't earn my position. Also, try communicating with sentences to relay your insignificant message.

Breathe.....just a little anxious as I usually am around the end of the pay period. Mr. Lobbyist, I am reminded that I am a female every time I use my atm card. At the other end is a bank account with nothing in it because pendejos like you gage the pay rates for females. FUCK YOU.

Breathe....

I big Heart you, Taco Bell

As if I could love them anymore than I do.

Last night, after a boozy trivia night with Intern Billy, I came home drunk and hungry as I did not eat dinner. I hollered over to Michael, and he drove us to Taco Bell. As I picked up my nachos and shrimp taco, the server informed me I was to eat the very last shrimp taco in the Sacramento region. HOLY SHIT ITS LIKE MY PERSONAL EMMY!

I totally freaked out because I was drunk and excitable. Mike got Carl's Jr.

F M L

Today was not an 8, horoscope.

It was closer to a 6 socially, maybe a 7 at work.

Guy I liked now seeing someone. Thanks for telling me today to assure crushed dreams. And for showing me her picture. And telling me she is exhausting you by always spending the night.

Another dude becomes my friend on FB, so I can see the pics of he and his girlfriend.

Hate to bitch, but what the fuck??

Its the feeling of not having the social situation planned out that fucking kills me. The curtains were brought down when I was recapping what happened with men today, and just then my ex walks in, reminding me that my past is filled with douchebags.

Next tat:

see above.

Spring Break!

Not quite. Today being Tuesday but really my Monday. Really, the next four days should be Saturdays, but my pay results in workweeks to be included during spring break.

The other leg aide in my office has enough money to buy a house. I probably can't afford to buy a gun, so I will omit whats really on my mind.

No matter how independent I am, I want to strangle my cat and living by myself is damn lonely. My friends want me to let devil Kitty to run free outside, but he probably won't come back and I can't afford flea treatments for the little shit.

I told my friend when I was drunk that I wanted to go on a cruise with her and our friend Janet this spring. I'm too broke to go, and the money I do have all went to my new bike. I haven't called her back and I feel hella bad.

My mom is so fucking upset with me for not hitting her back this weekend to arrange when she could come visit. Well moms, baby is broke, super fucking messy, and the only enjoyment she gets from life these days is something baby knows you don't want baby takin' a part of. Socially acceptable, but not by moms!
And thanks for ragging on me on Facebook. You got the one family member I hate to pitch in her two cents too, so thanks.

March Madness Post

March, where the hell did you go?

I post this picture because I never have current photos of me. Me with a tomato is post-worthy.

I am excited for this weekend. It's a three-dayer that leads into the legislature's spring break. Currently, I am the sole staffer here everyday during the week. I have stuff to do and no money to leave. I have netflix-im not worried about losing my mind.

Speaking of losing my mind, I agreed to go rollerskating Friday night with Pico. I am going to meet up with him and a 'car mod' group that do modifications to their car. I asked-its not like Tokyo Drift. They do things like lower minivans and other creative outlets.

I want to go home today because I have SERIOUS FUCKING PAIN in my lady regions. I feel like I must be a descendent of Eve to receive this much suffering for original sin. Makes sense, I can be a misguider quite often. My personal James Franco brought me Bob last night and also enticed me to go get SCUBA certified at the Dolphin shop he works at. Sunday at 1pm! Not gonna happen when its off El Camino.

Ways and Means

When you face the red ink every month, your brain begins to evolve to think outside normal practices. Lunch becomes a hurdle, nay, an option. Dating becomes slightly obsolete as I don't leave my apartment too much because many fun things are costly. Movies are definately out, corporate bastards. Clothes are second hand and holes are ignored. Bikes have rust and cat is a psychopath. Carpet is dirty because I have a broom.

Bitching besides, my charming neighbor Mike recited - at no charge - the entire plot of Avatar for me. From opening scenes to the closing battle, I knew my shit. I don't really need names of aliens or pretend monsters/animal/dinosaurs. I need the jist. He took an unbelievable 25 minutes of explaining and reversing and inhaling and exhaling and hand motions and theories. He started to talk about the movie, paused, and confirmed that I will not be shelling out the green for the theater experience before continuing.

Also, if you regularly Bob with someone that makes more money than you, they usually discourage you from upping your cache until the weekend...although seeing my James Franco(Pineapple Express) as he delivers is something I cherish and look forward to. A bonus- he has multiple options! No Snickle Fritz offered!

The downside- you end up with less control. Example: my brother was to be on Channel 12 Morning Show last Saturday. I got up all early and 10 minutes into watching and waiting-my cable went out. Instinct tells you to call someone, actuality told me to take a ride or go to bed because I cannot call anyone to complain. I lost the History Channel a few months ago and have to face the static channels as a reminder that I am powerless to restore this quality programming. Sad Face.

Say Hello to my Little Friend

He's also the only one allowed between the stems, too!!

Drowning

The world is spinning at a faster and faster rotation. We lose days by the millisecond every time the earth stretches, and I feel it getting shorter and shorter. Those closest condemn, those further away praise...and I am left to decipher the complexities of absurd communication patterns. Why can't it all be cut and paste? What attrocities have been had that keeps me in such a transitionary state. I keep waiting for the clarity and serenity, but it is as if my mind now only feeds off the tragic, and without it, I am useless. My role in life is both daunting and rewarding; the neverending mixture leaves me alone. No one stays consistent-everyone goes home to another. I may have passed the jumping point and now I am left without any light.

Fucking depressing.

Age Ain't Nuthin But a Number, But I Look 12

At first, I thought the trend was a sign of the stress I had eliminated from my life when I chose to end communication with Adrian. After a meeting with professional scientists today, evidence points to....looking like a kid.

Our discussions on the budget crisis, complications in bargaining proposals, and direct references to a college education could not sway the expert scientists from commenting as we ended our meeting, " I saw you around the office and I swear you can't be out of high school"

I have become concerned as increasing reports of youthfulness have led me to believe that perhaps that accident I had when I was 13 actually stunted my growth and led me to stop aging. Doctors back then knew that the accident halted my growth as I retain the title as smallest person in our family. It was estimated that I was to grow until I was 21 to reach 5'10, as my mother had. At 13 I was 5'7, and I remain that height today.

Skeptical of my theory? Fine, but you got lotsa 'splaining to do to those scientists today. 3 outta 4 agree I may be the eternal Melissa.

The City by the Bay

Hellllo San Francisco! My trip there on Sunday was epic- as one should expect when descending upon the city with 4 homegirls lookin to get drunk and cause problems. The traffic there was a nightmarish 4 hours of red lights- but the city had its Chinese New Year parade on Market- which was right next to our hotel. We made fun of shitty bikers on the streets (seriously, its not that SF is that unsafe- its riders are just idiots who wobble to and fro on their uncomfortable hipster bikes) and hollered at cars that cut us off. After narrowly evading two police officers blocking the street to our hotel, we were THERE. We first went to our hotel room, number 420, and got dressed for dinner at the swanky place in the hotel. As we walked in, the bar stopped and one guy said to us, "Now there's a motley crew". Turns out he had ESP.

I can't get into complete details, but birthday girl Melissa was literally carried out of the bar after telling off a bartender, butting between couples to dance with men, and dancing without care. She screamed rape as she was kicked out and proceeded to yell at the manager for 20 minutes about how her uncle is the DA for San Diego (actually a woman) and that her arm was broken by "Tonga Tonga" bouncers. In all fairness, she thought they were kidnapping her to roast her when they kicked her out.

I got mad at some guy Janet was dancing with, so I left and kicked it by myself for an hour watching people dance and roaming about. At that time, it is estimated that every girl in our group was on her own. In the City. I went outside to hang with Bob (and the two bums and random guy I hung out with) went back in, danced with Janet, fell in love with a stranger, left hot stranger with Janet to track down the girls, and as we retreated from a random bus stop, we heard our names from afar and the other 3 girls were in their nice dresses kicking it on the curb, surrounded by Asian men.

Lets see....Melissa was giving a guy a hickey because he had a girlfriend, Rachel was smoking and singing rap songs, Hadasa was speaking in Chinese to the guys, and I sat my ass down because it was 3 in the morning and we couldn't get a cab because we were also next to an ambulance. I walked right up to it and through what I believe was an accident scene. I was drunk- I had no limits.

The next morning I awoke on the floor of the hotel. I was too drunk to try and move my girls who were already two to a bed. I had taken a shower so I was the last alive and the floor works for me. I had Bob and ate cereal at the continental breakfast before walking SF under blue skies. Hit up Union Square and Chinatown and returned to wake up two girls who chose to sleep.

So many side stories about hotboxing cabs and screaming and doing bad things in elevators- but I think I am locking those away for now....

2010- still better than last year.

Funny Moments

The same week I was mistaken for a high schooler twice at work and when complaining to a co-worker, they too agreed I looked like I was 17. Ok, great. When I had my 27th some gays buying me drinks were sure I was turning 21.

So this little ego-cushion sets me up for today, when interns and staff agreed that if I don't get a move on, I will end up married to my job with 5 houses and 20 cats.

"Melissa likes the wrong people". Ugh I know- but I follow my heart all the damn time.

Get yer Hands off my Wheels, Senator.

So apparently Mr. Joseph Simitian has introduced legislation to outlaw texting or talking while riding a bike. Yes- riding a bike. I can't find the bill number so I can only hope its a fluke on the part of the Santa Cruz Sentinel, but I don't think it is. Can I protest this? Also, you can get points on your driving record for what I assume would be for a second offense.

The only people in danger when a rider talks on the phone is the rider. Any pedestrian who is hit will probably call the police and sue. But its two wheels and operated by feet-not an iron behemoth(sp) that kills going 25mph.

I hate this bill and it should die.

Normal as Fuck

After working into the late evening hours on Friday night and not being wealthy in any way, my weekend was slooow. Woke up late Saturday, cleaned, rode my bike around the grid, did laundry, blah blah.
I have recently become concerned about my time I have been spending in front of the television monitor. As I stand my ground as corporate rapist, I usually lounge on my couch and get up to move about every 10 minutes or so. I was starting to become concerned until I visited my friend Hidasa this weekend. She is the roommate of my homegirl Melissa from Modesto. As Mel and I ventured up her apartment steps, she bet me Hidasa would be on the couch watching comedy central. Very close prediction but Hidasa had fucked up their DVR menu so it was on a music channel. Hidasa herself even said that when she is not working- she flops in front of the tv to escape. This is where I step in and say I feel more normal because witnessing someone be weirder than you is always an ego boost. I mean, this girl is pretty, happy, and seems like a cool person. Her inkling towards sloth-like living allows me to laze about.

This is the only way I will compare myself to her as later in the evening after she at McDonalds and had some of the pizza we ordered, I heard her go bulemic all over herself. When I glanced at my homegirl, she said "This happens a bit." Fucking gross. Isn't that shit for 13 year olds and models?? Ah I can't hate- its a disease. Just because I won't go there...if I did Taco Bell would line my stomach every day, but vomit is especially gross if you are sober.

I won't hurt you, nachos bel grande.

Is it Spring yet?

This week's Thursday was greeted with surprise. I had an intense discussion, or a yearly review, really, with my supervisor. I complained that I am not involved in enough meetings that I fell I deserve to be in. She broke down my performance of the last year and highlighted areas for improvement. I understand- I have so much shit on my plate I forget to follow up with phone calls or informing her of meetings. I get it. So this week I went "I Love Work" crazy. I write her morning and evening reviews of my day, keep a legal pad to track my tasks and not forget who called or whatever, and I can say I am sleeping better and am not so stressed after work about things I 'think' I may have forgotten. Also, instead of waiting around until 6pm to brief her like the other staffer, I have the freedom of knowing I wrapped up my daily communications within the office. Damn this post is turning out boring. I'm just excited to be more professional because I always feel like a damn kid around the grown-ups. No more!

This weekend presents itself with no solid plans. Probably an evening with Mike (MB-he drove me to Taco Bell with a serious case of the giggles and after his cousin saw my Facebook pics she said "Damn, you really love Taco Bell") Last weekend my internet boyfriend was to visit but I did not receive any communication from him. The only person to text me about VDay was Adrian, and last year all he got me was a 40. Fucker.

Also, after the vday text, he called me at 3am last night and miraculously left a message. What did he have to say to me after all our shit? "Call me back". Nope. How about " I have your Ipod, camera, and a new cell phone for you. I have $1,000 that I stole from you, and I want to give you these things before I move to Antarctica to yell at penguins for the rest of my miserable life". I would have liked that one better.

I can't wait until I have hours after work to go out and ride the trails and grid and log in the hours on my bike like I used to. Most likely I will be riding to Pops house on Sunday for laundry and family dinner. Cross your fingers and wish me the best because Arden Arcade is a BITCH.

Tuesday is the new Monday

FML.

Such a catch-22. It's they type of day where I am working so much I feel suffocated. Plus people be asking me how to do computer shit when my mind needs to remain focused.

And I saw my ex parking his ride at the LOB. Haven't seen him in months.

FML.

Sick of Hearts

Already! Yes, while visiting Safeway this morning to pick up something for lunch for under $5, I was bombarded by this ridiculous tent they have constructed to create Valentine's monstrocities(sp??) Immediately my week was deflated. Yeah, first time in like 4 years that someone wasn't around to give me shit. However, none of the tools before ever gave me anything. I think I got flowers one year? Whatever. It's not like the Christmas invasion that starts waaaayyyy to early for comfort, but the presence of the frilly and fancy just serves as a glittery gleeful reminder of how fucking lonely it is up in my apartment. I am still on relationship probation so this should be expected as I gave myself 6 months from the last time I saw Asshole until I thought I would be ready to find someone but I have personally extended my probation as I still feel like a fucking idiot whenever I see those spokes and tatts upon the grid.....MUST STOP!! On Saturday night I even ignored a date invite from this hot guy whose name I always forget- I shall omit it for privacy. Besides the fact that I will not ride my bike in shitty weather, it's just not the time to enter into a dating scheme with some dude that is obviously not gonna be it for me....yeah, tatts, piercings, and my general disinterest in figuring out his name or remembering what he does for a living also raises a few flags...

My valentines weekend will be comprised of thrift shopping as I scopered a few new places this weekend within walking distance. So probably wine-feuled mayhem followed by at least a day of sleeping that shit off...

Love Thy Neighbor

Nope, not a neighbor hook up story! I am just super excited that as my homegirl Melissa dropped by my apartment yesterday she called our friend John. He had allegedly moved behind Starbucks, which is where I live. So we called him out and he lives across the street! We immediately went over there and met like 6 people. The best part? When we left they walked us to the street where all the guys flipped that they could see my window from their sidewalk. Yeah, sight is crazy maaaan.

However, I have spread my neighborly love across P Street, and I look forward to random shenanigans. This in addition to my fucking awesome neigbor Mike!

Bobbers of the Block Unite! Yeah Mandi- Bobbers!

Craigslist Love, Part Deux

Well well well look how this cookie has crumbled...

He ended up writing to me again, but definately less than he did before. The lack of enthusiasm is quite deflating when I thought things went so well. This experience is panning out to be more of training with patience. Any girl whose dated their share of tools know that nobody wants to be labeled as 'pushy' or 'desperate' so early in a potential pairing. So, guess he gets the balls in this court battle. Haha.
Really, this craigslist romance was an expiriment. Can I actually involve myself in the normal timeline of dating? First dates without kisses, getting to know someone in and out before meeting them...I guess I can but the fact remains that our meeting may have frustrated the both of us that we could find someone decent but yet having the person live so far away..and one doesn't have a car!
Restraint is championing over heart. I want to keep writing those soul-filled letters and tell him about my day and the things I interpret-the things he said he liked to hear. But, alas, why fall into something when the guy just doesn't to seem to be all jazzed about you...at least some evidence to prove my point!

To be continued? Who the fuck knows, but I am not signing myself out of any future expiriments with different variables...Fucking nerd.

Craigslist Love

Is it possible that one could find a normal, decent fella on this hooker and scam infested site? Kinda.

His name is Aaron. I am a Craigslist fan and all, but those missed connections and MforW ads I looked at were for pure enjoyment. That is, until a guy found an achilles: Vonnegut.

Yep, good ol' Kurt brought me and stranger together. He liked the same books, the same movies, the same political views. Finally, a smart guy who just might not be socially challenged like the last few idiots. We emailed back and forth many times during each day over the course of a few months. Unreal. This guy was so interesting and funny and really liked most of the things I did. A week ago, we asked the question: Do we meet?

I broke my internet dating cherry on Saturday. He drove down from Truckee and picked me up to take me to dinner. I chose Suzy's Burgers at 28th and P for some casual grub. C'mon, he's a mountain guy-no fancy place where we'd both feel awkward. I had a good time. He was way cuter than I had planned, so after dinner we went back to my place for Bob and a movie. He brought his personal Bobber, so that alone was pretty cool. I chose True Romance with Christian Slater that was directed by Tarantino-whom we both love. As I started the movie, he handed me a lighter. Holy shit, its the same frog with a crown bic that I have! He found this interesting as well.

During earlier conversations, I had told him about my crazy ass cat and warned him that he can be out of control. Nope. Reggie walked right over to him and turned into LoveCat. The entire time he was there. So i kinda looked like a drama queen-but Aaron wasn't there when Reg tried to stone me to death militant-style. I guess the Reg just likes attractive men.

After the movie we hung out and talked some more. He had to leave around midnight as he lives more than an hour away. We hugged and he promised to come visit me again soon.

And besides a few texts, we haven't emailed since.

Craigslist. Like a box of chocolates.

Yiggity Yo Strange Love

Today I cancelleed my car insurance! Hoorah! Chad the phone guy was just as friendly as Flo is in the commercials. When I explained that I sold my car because I could no longer afford the bills, he let out a long "Awwwwwwwww..." No man, I just want to be able to save money for the first time. And buy clothes cause half the ones I have are from 2005 and riddled with holes. I need to stay sharp!

Alas, my wonderful pretend boyfriend from Starbucks and I have separated. He likes little hipster chicks and that is gross. Enjoy your little night terrors, Marshall ( I got his name through stalking). We will never ride our cool bikes together, I can never try to get you to quit smoking. Your beard will remain unloved. Ass staring still applicable. I even stopped going in to the 'bucks after I mistakenly called you a douche when you cut me off on my bike. I felt so bad. You almost memorized my drink until I decided that we had gotten too close so I started ordering tea in various forms. You could have imagined the shock and amazement when on one smoky night when I ventured to the RedBox at Safeway, you were buying hella beer and proceeded to walk by me to MY OTHER PRETEND BOYFRIEND. You guys are roommates! Imagine my delight if shit had worked out with either of you. Naked parties-your place...
So we aren't a thing anymore. I now have to re-socialize myself downtown to scope out my next vict-er, boyfriend.

When I told my buddy Syl about the situation, she asked "Is this like that Zach Morris guy you loved in Rosemont Safeway?" Hell to the fucking YES.

Maybe I should speak to high school kids about abstinence. The best method is to fall in love with strangers and stalk them from a distance. Expand your imagination to create the relationship-the way you want.

If I have kids they may be placed on some sort of state list...

Subweigh! Eat Fresh...In the AM

A breakfast deal oh my!

Yes yes Subway is now offering breakfast. Ms. Mandi and I discovered this beautiful deal while enjoying another wonderful deal while visiting the establishment today. For 2-3 bucks, you can get an english muffin breakfast sandwich-all of them below 300 calories! The omlet sandwich racks in a few hundred more calories- but Jared & Co upped the ante by serving it ALL DAY LONG. I big heart eggs! They open at 8:30am on K Street, and I plan on visiting much more this year. Ms. Mandi and her Rosemontian crew have a proper model that abstains from all fast food except Subway. Judging by the menu addition, they picked the right place.

I wish I wasn't so full of lunch cause I'd hella grub that sando in a second...

Way to go Sicko

I didn't think this was going to be an issue, but I already got sick. After New Years, I developed a cough that I just couldn't tame. After my office kicked me out to go see a doctor, I dragged myself to Kaiser to deal with the asshole who had time to see me on short notice. Dr. Sheen told me that with bronchitis, which he apparently knew I had without looking at my sinuses or checking my stats, one should just 'ride it out.' WTF are you kidding me? I came to the doctor's office because it's my last resort before I have to be hospitalized with pnuemonia. After a tear or two he asked me if I thought medicine would work for me. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. You, sir, should be telling me how you fix this shit. After I said yes, he said "OK, how about three medicines. Will that be what you want?" No, asshole, I want what you usually prescribe people for nasty ass bronchitis coughs. My dad said I should have told him 800 pills of vicodin usually do the trick.

So after two and a half days of rest, I am back at work to let everyone in my office know that yes, I am still sick and I am not afraid of hacking a lung in the pblic sector. Shit, I like my sick days but I do not like the time spent at home without tasks to accomplish. Well, I snuck in one bike ride but I reaaallly had to move my ass around. Too much sleep makes me feel like a slug. My dad also told me I need to work on sleeping during appropriate hours in 2010. I stay up late mut still rise at 6am every damn day. Thanks, hungry wildabeast. No matter how sick I am, he will not be deterred from jumping and grunting on my chest until I feed him. He wakes at 5am and pesters until fed.

Medicine is making me ramble. I am so stoked for the three day weekend, so I am on high health alert for the next few days.