Twi-tards

I would totally get into the Twilight fils if Buffy the Vampire Slayer showed up and took care of some much-needed business.

Idiots

Way too many in my life right now. Being alone in the office was terrible enough last week, but this week greeted me with my only other co-worker coming down with the MF whooping cough. She is out for at least a week. Our auxillary office has Mike, who leaves for San Diego tonight until November. Are you kidding?!!? I am losing my mind with this job.

Speaking of work stress, I think I am becoming an alcoholic. I max out at like 2 or 3 drinks, but I have consumed fairly regularly. Is it ok if I question myself? I get home and after wading in the dark cloud all day I just want a warm fuzzy tummy hug. It gives me love and makes time roll faster. Since I turned maybe 26 I have developed a very real fear of becoming drunk, so I never drink fast for fear that I will act like an idiot and somehow someone from work will see me. I've seen drunks at work and it totally stole my respect for them. But again, I am on the town. Not at work.

Tiredoflife.com.

Oh Dang, Life.

There are certain reasons why I only visit SF maybe twice a year. This last weekend I had excellent control of myself, but the events that transpired rocked my world.
Mike, my neighbor/roommate from across the patio, had his 24th birthday in SF. I arrived via foot, as I walked from my apartment to light rail, to amtrak, and then to BART. I walked from the Powell Station and there I was. I would have liked to have brought my bike but on Sunday we had planned on visiting the Folsom Street Fair. FYI- I had no clue what the testicle festival was to be about. I asked, and the group responded in unison "Bondage". I like to party, so who cares. Wow. What a penis parade. My personal highlight was getting to handle a porn star's gigantic penis. It high-fived me. I also showed my tits to a woman with a corset and fishnet stockings. That was it. Where the hell was GaGa? This was like her Tuesday night. Lots of drinking, dancing, laughing, spanking, and slapping (asses, not faces). Mike and I finished the festival with some Jack in the Box and then he drove out of SF and I took over on the freeways. It was my first time drivig on the freeway for like 9 months, and I was on no sleep, a little hungover, and without glasses. I made Mike blast the radio and we sang all the songs on the way home.

But dang, life. Just when I had yet another amazing and lovely weekend (Emphasis on the love, Ben from Santa Cruz made me leave my heart in San Francisco....)I come home to check email and the likes. My good friend Clay's little sister, who I played water polo and swimming with in high school, had passed away over the weekend. I don't want to fucking be at work right now. Morgan Strong, loved by so many and I alsways thought she was so gorgeous that she was the model for how Cameron Diaz should have turned out.

Love you girl, no more suffering...

My Favorite Times

10:41am
12:23pm
2:45pm
4:40pm
7:12am
10:11pm


I need something to do at work.

Guess Who is Bored??

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Sweet Melissa by the Allman Brothers.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
My life choices have been smarter, so during a movie a few weeks ago.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Bacon

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Nope. I can’t even handle a cat.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes! I’ve been looking for me.

DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
Not as much as before.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Lucky Charms

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I do best without laces.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes. I try to only like guys I can’t beat up.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky road. I like options.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Whether they look me in the eyes or not.

RED OR PINK?
I’m wearing pink (sad) but I love red.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I get impatient with lines. I’m not as forward as I used to be.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Everyone I left in Modesto, and all my homeboys I lost to the streets.

WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Rainbows to work

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Eggs. I love ‘em!

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The news

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Burnt sienna. Badass.

FAVORITE SMELLS?
honeysuckle, roses, jasmine, bacon, taco bell.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A coworker

MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Baseball (Giants).

HAIR COLOR?
Dark light.

EYE COLOR?
Brown

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Glasses

FAVORITE FOOD?
fruit, avocado, tomatilla, salmon, ahi.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Who doesn’t love happy endings?

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Hot Tub Time Machine

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
blue floral button up with pink see through shirt underneath

SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer adventures

HUGS OR KISSES?
I never get enough hugs

FAVORITE DESSERT?
coconut

STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
cardio. MAKE ‘EM SWEAT!

COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Life

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Waiting for another library trip

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My hand

FAVORITE SOUND?
wooden chimes

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Stones

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
New Zealand

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can walk on my toes and can snap really sharp mental pictures

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In Livermore with my brother.

WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
In a ding bat by myself surrounded by strangers.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
White with blue trim. Lahaina!


WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Invisible ‘cause I don’t have one.

WHICH CELEBRITY DO YOU GET MISTAKEN FOR?
Possessed people. Seriously. Jessica Simpson once.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Content and not alone.

WHEN YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES FREE, WHAT DO YOU DO?
Clean, smoke, call my mom, or take a shower.

WHAT WOULD YOU NAME THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF YOUR LIFE?
Died Twice & Lived A Thousand Lives

WHAT SONGS ARE INCLUDED IN THE SOUNDTRACK TO YOU LIFE?
Refugee (TP&H), Hey Oh (RHCP), Strange (Doors), Gin and Juice (Snoop), that theme song from Donny Darko.

WHAT CURSE WORD DO YOU USE THE MOST?
Fuuuuuck

DO YOU OWN AN IPOD?
Yes, but not the songs

WHAT TIME IS YOUR ALARM CLOCK SET?
7AM

WHAT COLOR IS YOU ROOM?
Smothered in art and Pink Floyd Posters. White unders.

FLIP FLOPS OR SNEAKERS? I
Toss on/slip on shoes. Fuck laces.

WOULD YOU RATHER BE IN OR TAKE A PICTURE?
ake the picture.

DO ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE CHILDREN?
Most of them in Modesto do.

HAS ANYONE CALLED YOU LAZY?
HAHA. I am the anti-lazy, but have been only by assholes.

DO YOU EVER TAKE MEDICATION TO SLEEP FASTER?
Sometimes I have to, but my body just loves sleep anyway.

WHAT CD IS CURRENTLY IN YOUR PLAYER?
Just heard the new Big Boi album. Sick beats.

DO YOU PREFER REGULAR OR CHOCOLATE MILK?
Chocolate soy or almond milk.

HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU A SECRET THIS WEEK?
I have a network of secret sharers in the grid. Crazy, I know.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO CALL YOU?
I forgot my phone again. Fuck phones.

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK?
I work hard to be nice, but it probably happens. I can be bitch.

DID YOU WATCH CARTOONS AS A CHILD?
Did? More like does.

HOW MANY SIBLINGS DO YOU HAVE?
One twin.

ARE YOU SHY AROUND THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Strangers totally scare me - especially in Sactown. Hella bros.

WHAT MOVIE DO YOU KNOW EVERY LINE TO?
Goonies, Stand By Me, Wedding Singer

DO YOU OWN ANY BAND T-SHIRTS?
Red Hot Chili Peppers, MxPx, and the rest were worn to death.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO TEXT YOU?
Ted, to cite me in another herbal story. Rad.

DO YOU OWN A COMPUTER?
One that I haven’t opened in 2 years.

ARE YOU CURRENTLY WANTING A PIERCING OR TATTOO?
I got the next tat, just not the cash or drive.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SLEPT ON A FLOOR?
Last week. I have spent months sleeping on dirt, so who cares?

HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO YOU NEED?
Eight

ARE YOU IN LOVE OR LUST?
Just got my usual lineup of pretend boyfriends.

HOW OLD WILL YOU BE TURNING ON YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY?
29

ARE YOU PICKY ABOUT SPELLING AND GRAMMAR?
Yes, and it now determines datability.

DO YOU SLEEP ON YOUR SIDE, TUMMY, OR BACK?
Back or front. Sides hurt my bony hips.

HAVE YOU EVER BID FOR SOMETHING ON EBAY?
Yes, and I get my Santa Cruz sweatshirt soon 

DO YOU ENJOY GIVING HUGS?
Yes.

WHAT SONG DID YOU LAST SING OUT LOUD?
I’m a Little Tea Pot.

To Be Expected

For the past years of my life located here in Sacramento, I have dedicated quite a bit of time to elections. Never have I been paid for my services and I have been to Bakersfield, Fresno, Rancho Cordova, Modesto, Hanford, and at phone banks in Sacramento. I learned about my current boss while phone banking.
This year I had planned on taking an election year off. I am tired, the last two years have been terribly stressful, and being totally fucking poor didn't help. This morning an upper level staffer called me and asked me if I had volunteered yet. I said no becasue it was true. I then listened as they explained that the election volunteers had been saying they were going to hang up pictures of capitol staffers who had not yet volunteered. Really? These fucking newbies come in and think they are the shit!??! My superior then said, "You better get on it before its too late."
What, are they going to fire me for not giving up my free time? Well I wasn't invited to San Diego, dicks. You brought UNEXPERIENCED staffers and are paying them extra and leaving me in the capitol to continue to handle everyone's business.

When another staffer returns I need a vacation. Maybe I will lie and say I'm on GOTV duty. Can't a girl get a break???? I've been so nice to random people....

Summer of Adventures

Last night I was able to go on yet another amazing night ride. My cousin showed up and we rode to my favorite park, 8th and O. We smoked atop the walls as we balanced over a 20 ft. drop. Not only do I get to catch up with family, but I also brought my 4th person to share the experience of the park with. As I caught up with Nick, I mentioned that no other summer has been so adventurous in such a long time. The reason, I expect, is that I do not operate any vehicle. It's been nine months of not driving. Me and the bikes have been alll over the city. Even when I broke my back in June I got on my cruiser and rode to Carmichael to do laundry. The things I see along my random ass routes bring such pride to me for chosing this city as a place to lay my head. None of the other cities I lived in catered to being independently hyper like the miles of river and paths. Cars are nicer, but I think its because this city does have plenty of freeways to clear up side streets. I never drive drunk, so when I go out its always a good time. People visit me, crash at my place, take me out cause I'm already downtown...

I admit that turning 28 this year totally freaked me out, especially spending that shit relatively alone and having the parentals and the twin not really care. I felt old as all my homegirls (ALL) back home got married or had babies yet I was still living like a kid partying all over and not even being able to handle a cat for a full year. I'm only going to do this once (sorry Scientology) so I plan on just riding and enjoying the rest of the fucking amazing weather. My friends have soccer games and Bed Bath & Beyond, while next weekend I am riding to SF where I am crashing on someones floor after danceYOURface off night and riding through the bay all day Sunday.

After the disaster last year, I feel much stronger moving into this fall season. My head is clearer, I found better people in the grid, and DAMN I got faster on my bike.

Rivers drives me wild.

Math

Little did I know while studying mathematics growing up how much my whole being would learn to HATE the negative sign.


Fuck you, minus zero.

I miss the wind

Taking one weekend off of riding caused two things to happen: My warrior wounds had time to heal, and I missed the hell out of being on my bike. The wounds, one from being hit by a freight train and the other a swollen ankle from wearing flip flops in the first rain, were the reason I felt I needed to slow down and rest. Now, all I can think about is flying across the road and the feeling of being released from the confines of a metal machine.

The Mysteries of Vajayjay

My good friend just sent me this list of 20 things men don't know about women. She asked me to review and get back to her. I decided to add my comments after the 'truth'. Enjoy and discuss.

1. As soon as we are alone in the house—husband leaves for the office, kids go to school, roommate goes out of town—and we have quality free time knowing no one is going to walk in on us, we masturbate. Sometimes we even just do it if you’re still in the house if that quality free time is never going to come. Usually, it’s while we’re in the bathroom. I still would prefer to just have sex, but the partner is the issue.

2. A good majority of us prefer to pee outside. And in the shower. And sometimes we really just want to do it in the hot tub, but we try to not do that one out of respect for everyone else in there. Most definately. I have mastered the art of public urination in a dress. You sit like a lady on the grass with none the wiser.

3. We pluck stray hairs from our toes, our chin, our lips, moles on the backs of our legs and our nipples. And we really, really enjoy plucking a stubborn ingrown hair. Getting that sucker out is, for some gross reason, such sweet satisfaction.
FYI ladies: not appropriate to ask this question to friends at a pool party. "C'mon, don't you have hairy nipples?" No, creeper.

4. When we’re in love, we smell your clothes or the pillow you were sleeping on when you’re not around. If you were to catch us doing this, we’d be mortified. Been caught and still have articles of clothes hidden deep in one of the closets.

5. We’ve all wished that we could be more open and casual about sex from time to time … maybe go to a swingers party, have a threesome or be a dirty stripper for a night, but with no emotional consequences. Fuck that. I hate strippers. I've had threesomes and they ain't that special.

6. Deep down we really hope that your guy friends secretly want to sleep with us, and very often we will dress for them and subtly flirt just so they will. We don’t want to bone them; we just want them to want us. Kinda creepy to me. If I wanted to look fuckable for your friends, I'm probably going to cheat.

7. We are not insulted in the slightest by those catcalls from construction workers, as long as they aren’t rude or nasty. It’s kind of flattering. We also like it when you get a little jealous, to a degree. Not in an irrational or psycho way, just a bit to show you’re protective and you care. Sometimes I too miss harassment.

8. We regularly check in on what our exes are up to via Facebook, emails or texts. As long as we have the technology, they will never be fully out of our lives or minds. This doesn’t mean we still love them; we’re just curious. Sounds like guy bullshit. My exes are boring and I am much more obsessed with secret boyfriends than guys I already am over.

9. When we have girls’ nights, we do bad things that you wouldn’t approve of like spill all of your embarrassing secrets, sneak cigarettes or other substances, and drink way more than we let on. Grinding with strangers at a club can also sometimes occur. Sounds like a Thursday. I live hard, what can I say?

10. When you’re not around, we fart. The longer, the louder and the stinkier, the more enjoyable. Word. I am afraid my neighbors can actually hear me.

11. If you’re really hot or the sex is good, you can be a total idiot and we’ll still date you for a while. But we’ll never marry you. Brains and kindness will always trump sexiness when it comes to marriage material. See last ex.

12. A lot of times we really like to have sex on the first date to determine whether the chemistry is there and we should have another date. Or sometimes we’re just plain horny and want to get laid. We hate being judged for it. I just had a date. I think you are supposta wait if you actually want him to call later. Fuck? NO.

13. We hate waxing our privates. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But, we like that when it’s cleaned up you go down on us more readily. In a perfect world, you would go down on us with regularity on naturally poofy pubes. I ain't twelve and I'm not swimming anymore, so fuck that idea. Me woman.

14. When a guy says he doesn’t want kids, it’s really a dealbreaker for almost every woman who is still of child-bearing years. I wonder if they kick puppies even though I always joke about babies being wishful footballs.

15. The majority of us don’t really care about how much money you have or make as long as you are kind and emotionally generous and work hard. Laziness and lack of motivation is inherently unsexy. But if you can't pay for a movie or a meal, get a fucking clue and grow up. If I can get a job, you can too.

16. A lot of us are fakers … when it comes to our love of sports and being outdoorsy. Wow. Fakers are the ones that end up married; I'm the one that becomes their hiking buddy.

17. We love flaws on guys. A little belly, gray hairs, even a receding hairline. It reminds us that we all have body issues and that we shouldn’t be so insecure or hard on ourselves. Being human is cool. But being whiny about your paunch or constantly fussing over your gray temples is as annoying as us always asking, “Does this make me look fat?” I hope they have the ability to work on these superficial flaws they have issues with.

18. During sex, we’re usually thinking about something other than you. A gross and pervy situation, another man, being dominated … who knows, but we always, always fantasize. It doesn’t mean we’re not sexually attracted to you, we just need the weird mental images to get us off. Ok, what women were interviewed? Fucking PAY ATTENTION or get a hotter dude.

19. We don’t consider drunk kissing cheating, as long as we’re the ones doing the drunk kissing. We consider sex with another man cheating. Who is this slut? Drunk calls are questionable cunts! Kissing ahomegirl ok-another man and you are a bad person

20. We cherish our independence and “me” time more than you’ll ever know. We say we miss you, but are often secretly glad you’re going so we can just totally relax and be ourselves. But we still love it when you come back. Don't be up in my shit but be around so I can talk to someone!

Ah, and now I remember...

Why I hate dating so much. Hooray, I found a somewhat normal guy. I've been dating idiots for so long that I forgot the normal pattern of dating is vastly different than my usual We-date-but-we-can't-get-enough-be-together-every-fucking-day non-relationship status.

I dated on Friday. Before, we had texted all week and he was so interesting. Our date was fun: we drank, ate, walked through the park, smoked, laughed. He could keep up. On Saturday I did not call. Good girl, I guess? He texted me to ask if I had his lighter, but nothing in depth. Sunday I texted in the afternoon to thank him for a great time. He texted back the same. Then.....nothing.

I understand girls do scare guys with the psychotic theory that girls are rabid beasts looking to tie down a man and dick-rape some babies from him. However, I don't need any babies or any white wedding bullshit. Dude, I want you to text me like we did before. Why these nonsensical games when you were cool and essentially we should just hang out??

I said ok to the date in the beginning because this guy had his head on right and is so against the societal norms he lived in a shack in Montana for three years after selling his house and leaving it 'all' behind. Amazing! My man!

I shoulda known when he mentioned GTL. Fuck. I can just hear The Situation, " Yo, give the piece a call when the milk you got now goes bad. If she ain't still waiting, on to the next groupie."