The Mysteries of Vajayjay

My good friend just sent me this list of 20 things men don't know about women. She asked me to review and get back to her. I decided to add my comments after the 'truth'. Enjoy and discuss.

1. As soon as we are alone in the house—husband leaves for the office, kids go to school, roommate goes out of town—and we have quality free time knowing no one is going to walk in on us, we masturbate. Sometimes we even just do it if you’re still in the house if that quality free time is never going to come. Usually, it’s while we’re in the bathroom. I still would prefer to just have sex, but the partner is the issue.

2. A good majority of us prefer to pee outside. And in the shower. And sometimes we really just want to do it in the hot tub, but we try to not do that one out of respect for everyone else in there. Most definately. I have mastered the art of public urination in a dress. You sit like a lady on the grass with none the wiser.

3. We pluck stray hairs from our toes, our chin, our lips, moles on the backs of our legs and our nipples. And we really, really enjoy plucking a stubborn ingrown hair. Getting that sucker out is, for some gross reason, such sweet satisfaction.
FYI ladies: not appropriate to ask this question to friends at a pool party. "C'mon, don't you have hairy nipples?" No, creeper.

4. When we’re in love, we smell your clothes or the pillow you were sleeping on when you’re not around. If you were to catch us doing this, we’d be mortified. Been caught and still have articles of clothes hidden deep in one of the closets.

5. We’ve all wished that we could be more open and casual about sex from time to time … maybe go to a swingers party, have a threesome or be a dirty stripper for a night, but with no emotional consequences. Fuck that. I hate strippers. I've had threesomes and they ain't that special.

6. Deep down we really hope that your guy friends secretly want to sleep with us, and very often we will dress for them and subtly flirt just so they will. We don’t want to bone them; we just want them to want us. Kinda creepy to me. If I wanted to look fuckable for your friends, I'm probably going to cheat.

7. We are not insulted in the slightest by those catcalls from construction workers, as long as they aren’t rude or nasty. It’s kind of flattering. We also like it when you get a little jealous, to a degree. Not in an irrational or psycho way, just a bit to show you’re protective and you care. Sometimes I too miss harassment.

8. We regularly check in on what our exes are up to via Facebook, emails or texts. As long as we have the technology, they will never be fully out of our lives or minds. This doesn’t mean we still love them; we’re just curious. Sounds like guy bullshit. My exes are boring and I am much more obsessed with secret boyfriends than guys I already am over.

9. When we have girls’ nights, we do bad things that you wouldn’t approve of like spill all of your embarrassing secrets, sneak cigarettes or other substances, and drink way more than we let on. Grinding with strangers at a club can also sometimes occur. Sounds like a Thursday. I live hard, what can I say?

10. When you’re not around, we fart. The longer, the louder and the stinkier, the more enjoyable. Word. I am afraid my neighbors can actually hear me.

11. If you’re really hot or the sex is good, you can be a total idiot and we’ll still date you for a while. But we’ll never marry you. Brains and kindness will always trump sexiness when it comes to marriage material. See last ex.

12. A lot of times we really like to have sex on the first date to determine whether the chemistry is there and we should have another date. Or sometimes we’re just plain horny and want to get laid. We hate being judged for it. I just had a date. I think you are supposta wait if you actually want him to call later. Fuck? NO.

13. We hate waxing our privates. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But, we like that when it’s cleaned up you go down on us more readily. In a perfect world, you would go down on us with regularity on naturally poofy pubes. I ain't twelve and I'm not swimming anymore, so fuck that idea. Me woman.

14. When a guy says he doesn’t want kids, it’s really a dealbreaker for almost every woman who is still of child-bearing years. I wonder if they kick puppies even though I always joke about babies being wishful footballs.

15. The majority of us don’t really care about how much money you have or make as long as you are kind and emotionally generous and work hard. Laziness and lack of motivation is inherently unsexy. But if you can't pay for a movie or a meal, get a fucking clue and grow up. If I can get a job, you can too.

16. A lot of us are fakers … when it comes to our love of sports and being outdoorsy. Wow. Fakers are the ones that end up married; I'm the one that becomes their hiking buddy.

17. We love flaws on guys. A little belly, gray hairs, even a receding hairline. It reminds us that we all have body issues and that we shouldn’t be so insecure or hard on ourselves. Being human is cool. But being whiny about your paunch or constantly fussing over your gray temples is as annoying as us always asking, “Does this make me look fat?” I hope they have the ability to work on these superficial flaws they have issues with.

18. During sex, we’re usually thinking about something other than you. A gross and pervy situation, another man, being dominated … who knows, but we always, always fantasize. It doesn’t mean we’re not sexually attracted to you, we just need the weird mental images to get us off. Ok, what women were interviewed? Fucking PAY ATTENTION or get a hotter dude.

19. We don’t consider drunk kissing cheating, as long as we’re the ones doing the drunk kissing. We consider sex with another man cheating. Who is this slut? Drunk calls are questionable cunts! Kissing ahomegirl ok-another man and you are a bad person

20. We cherish our independence and “me” time more than you’ll ever know. We say we miss you, but are often secretly glad you’re going so we can just totally relax and be ourselves. But we still love it when you come back. Don't be up in my shit but be around so I can talk to someone!